


The Lampshadables

by Koe



Category: The Expendables (2010)
Genre: Body Shots, Bromance, Crack, Drabble, Humor, M/M, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-14
Updated: 2012-07-16
Packaged: 2017-11-05 09:38:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/404958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Koe/pseuds/Koe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ross and Christmas rub elbows. It's "their thing".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Trigger Warning

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [The Lampshadables/拉灯队](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3403976) by [BasilQ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BasilQ/pseuds/BasilQ)



> (Spoilers:) [ Quote, The Expendables](http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Expendables): _"Church (Bruce Willis): You guys aren't gonna start sucking each other's dicks, are you?  
>  [Barney (Sylvester Stallone) looks suggestively at Trench (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Church laughs sarcastically] (...)"_  
> \- After that line, a slasher would think she's watching the right movie, right? Right? Nu-uh, a little elbow rubbing between the two dialogiest heroes (Stallone & Statham) is as far as it gets. ;_; But, fear not, fangirl-squad is fixing it as-you-read. ;)

"GodDAMN! Stop it!"

"What..?"

"Stop THAT!"

"With the elbow?"

"Yeah, stop it with the goddamn elbow rubbing already! Goddamn!"

"But? Can't a man... We've always rubbed elbows, man. What's your goddamn problem NOW?"

"I haven't seen the missus in a goddamn month, man! Anything can set me off, and you don't want to be it, trust me! And stop it with the laughing!"

"It's your ELBOW, man. If you can't take a little elbow without going gay, I can't help you, man."

[Lee frowns at Barney and grumbles under his breath]

 

"Kiss'n make up?"

"Fuck YOU, man!"

"Love you, man!"


	2. Skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sure. "Nothin'." Suuure."

[Barney peers at Lee through the corners of his eyes]

"What NOW!?"

[Pause] "'s nothing."

"Sure. "Nothin'." Suuure."

[Barney fiddles with some spare parts. Lee sighs deeply, stops pacing and settles backwards on his chair, facing Barney]

"Spill."

[Barney blushes deeply, making Lee look a bit rattled]

"Ahm, I was just wondering about your missus-problem, man."

"Well, don't!"

"But, we're kind of isolated here and you're getting a bit... volatile."

"Yeah, I might, because you are behaving like a total bitch, man! Shut up and get a goddamn shirt on! And shut up! Goddamn!"

"Well, I figured.."

"NO! Stop! Don't!"


	3. Don't Spill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Take a hint.

[Barney, sheepishly] "Ah, uh, I'm gonna be in the back, taking care of... business."

"Didn't I just tell you to shut up? Twice?"

"Yeah, I'm just saying."

"That's my problem _right there_."

"No, it really isn't, man. And, you know... I don't have a problem with it and you're my _man_ , man. We're buddies. We've been to hell and back, but we've always taken care of each other."

[Lee sticks his index fingers in his ears and sings out loud]

"Lalalalalala!"

 

[Lee removes his fingers and looks overly quizzically about]

"Aaah, silence!"

 

"I'm going in the back now!"

"SHUUUUUT UUUUUUUP!"


	4. Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, fuck me, Lee.

[Barney appears, stretching and smiling. Lee crouches in front of some instruments, red in the face, looking haggard, shaken]

"Fuck you, Barney!" [Through gritted teeth]

"Don't be a girl, Lee."

[Lee spins around on his heels and ogles Barney in a definitely hostile way]

"Say WHAT again?"

[Barney grins suggestively]

"'s your loss, man."

[Lee spins away again and his back starts to shake]

 

"Aw, fuck it, Lee! I didn't mean... Oh, fuck me, I'm sorry!"

[Barney hurries over to Lee, putting an arm around his shoulders]

"Goddamn, I'm stupid! You know me, I'm just that stupid. Sorry, man, sorry!"


	5. Calling the Shots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the end is good...

[Lee stops his pacing abruptly, in front of Barney]

"Hand me the bottle, Barney!"

"Huh? Isn't it a little early, man?"

"Yeah, it sure is! Just not early enough!"

"Sure."

[Lee downs a quarter of the whiskey before handing it back to Barney, who takes a sip. Lee puffs up his chest.]

"Okay now! Strip and lay down!"

[Barney starts laughing so hard that drops are coming out his nose and spirit makes his eyes run]

"Goddamn, Lee!"

"I happen to like body shots and this ain't happening without alcohol. Lots and lots of it."

"Goddamn, Lee!"

[Barney looks impressed]


End file.
